If you had the opportunity to sit down and speak with a reputable relationship coach about one of the biggest mistakes that a lot of people make when it comes to matters of the heart, one of the top things on their list is probably going to be this: too many people hop from relationship to relationship without taking out the time to 1) focus on themselves and 2) determine if being in a relationship is actually what they need to do. At the time.
There’s no way that a relationship is going to be healthy and whole unless you are. That’s why, before even thinking about going into another relationship, we wanted to encourage you to do the following things first.
1. Heal
If your previous relationship pretty much broke your heart, you need some time to process and heal from that. A wounded person is in no condition to give what a relationship truly needs or deserves.
2. Spend some time alone
If you don’t want to spend time alone with yourself, why should you expect others too? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with going to the movies or reading a book on your back porch without the company of other people. The quiet time could actually do you quite a bit of good!
3. Also spend some time with your girlfriends
The power of sisterhood. To say that it’s underrated is a major understatement! Spending time with your girlfriends is a way to get support, encouragement and also some good advice. On how to deal with the past. And how to responsibly get on with your future as well.
4. Reflect on what you did wrong
If you only focus on what your ex did wrong, you may end up bringing some of your own drama and baggage into your next relationship. Very rarely is the demise of a relationship only one person’s fault. Think about what you could’ve done better, so that next time, you can do better.
5. Ask your platonic male friends for advice
Girlfriends are able to provide one perspective. Oh, but there is something that is so beneficial about getting things from a guy’s point of view too. If you want to look into the mind of someone you were with, asking your platonic male friend(s) is the next best thing.
6. Do some pampering
If your last relationship really took a lot out of you, nothing helps the wounded spirit more than a bit of pampering. Get your nails done. Schedule a massage. And pick up some rose petals to put in your bubble bath as well.
7. Avoid having sex (again) too soon
Although you might’ve heard that the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one, that’s a myth. The truth is that the best way to find yourself more confused than ever is to have sex too soon or to use sex as a way to distract you from what you’re really feeling. Remember, sex shouldn’t be used. It should be integrated into a healthy situation. That can’t be forced or rushed. Not at all.
8. Go on a trip
Sometimes a change of scenery can change everything! So plan a trip, even if it’s only a day trip, to another city. Embrace all of the newness that is has to offer.
9. Post some self-affirming quotes
Quotes are great because they are packed with wisdom in only a few words. Plus, there are tons of quote sites on the internet. Look for some on healing, growth, self-esteem, self-improvement and goal setting. Then write them on some Post-It notes and place them all around your house. You’ll find yourself feeling affirmed every time you read one.
10. Think about why you want to be in a relationship
Sometimes, we’re so busy going after something that we never really make the time to ask ourselves why we want it. You’d be surprised how much the why can reveal in regards to the when.
11. Get rid of your ex’s stuff
No, we’re not saying burn it. Although if he was a total jerk, that might not be such a bad idea! But what we are saying is it’s not doing you a lick of good to have all of the memories from your past relationship in full view. If you want to refer to it on occasion, that’s cool (we guess). But for the most part, put it all in a box and push it to the back of your closet. Your heart will thank you for it.
12. Do some social media “spring cleaning”
No matter how or why the relationship ended, it’s going to be hard to get over him if you’re seeing all that he’s doing (and who he’s doing it with) on social media. If you don’t want to “unfriend” at least “hide” his status. And please don’t go to his Instagram every minute. It’s only going to hurt your feelings. If not straight up piss you off!
13. Do some casual dating
Although we think that you shouldn’t rush into a serious relationship, casual dating is cool. It’s a good way to slowly open yourself up to different kinds of people and new possibilities.
14. Forgive yourself
Sometimes what affects the healing process is regret. All of us make mistakes. All of us do things that we sincerely wish that we could take back or do over. The past is the past. The best way to get past it is to forgive yourself. And then commit to doing better. The next time.
15. Forgive your ex
Yep. The same goes for your ex. Although you might think that holding a grudge or plotting revenge for something he did wrong is going to make you feel better, it’s actually a pretty toxic approach. Forgiving someone doesn’t excuse them for what they did to you. It simply releases you from having to relive it over and over again.
16. Make some personal future plans
If you don’t like the way your life is right now, the good news is you have the power to change it. It all starts with making some plans when it comes to both your professional as well as your personal life. When you’re determined to want more and then you put plans in place to get it, just…you…wait!
